Hiding

The world is burning. Surrounded by flames, I’m noticing all of the parts of me that are surfacing to my consciousness. They’re coming up to be burned, too.

I want us all to feel that these parts of us matter as much as what’s going on on a planetary level, because the idea that any of our personal stuff is actually “ours”, and not connected to planetary shifts in consciousness, is false. We’re not separate from anything – not even a little bit.

So. I have this funny thing that I do in basically every place that I find myself living in or visiting, around the way that I consume and engage with the culture there. I want to write about it to try to understand why, because it’s representative of something deeper – hiding.

Soon after I land in a new place, I scope out the establishments that are ‘cool’. The ones that people hang out in. It’s usually the ones with healthy food, good coffee, good music, beautiful aesthetics, beautifully-dressed people. I check them out, maybe go once, maybe just bike or walk by them. I make a mental map.

Then, I find those places where no one goes. The places with cheap food, bad coffee, no music, dank or clinical aesthetics, and basically no people.

And those are the places that I hang out the most.

Of course, I’d love to say there’s some moral high-ground behind my choices – but nope, there’s not.

Personality-wise, according to Human Design, I’m a triple-split projector, which means that I actually need to be in the public aura, or around people, a lot, or else I’ll start to feel all discombobulated. I usually work best in public spaces, surrounded by but not engaging with other people.

I also happen to love, love, love my own company, which feels like an equal necessity for my (and probably everyone else’s) sanity.

So I can see the sense and the innocence in it. Wanting to have space, wanting to be around people, but wanting to not be social all the time – especially in smaller places or places I’ve been for a while, where I’m bound to run into people I know and maybe I just want to do some writing in peace.

This is all absolutely true, and valid, and real.

At the same time, I feel there’s a BIG, BOLD shadow here and would welcome any reflections on the bits of it that I’m not able to see.

I’ll pop my head into the ‘sceney’ places once in a while because I love them but I hate them but I love them. Sometimes their food is locally-sourced. Sometimes their plastic consumption is less. It doesn’t really make a difference to me.

Because there’s a part of me that is so wrapped up in my own personality stuff. Doesn’t want to be part of any ‘scene’. Doesn’t want to be ‘cool’. Doesn’t want to be seen to be sceney, wants to be seen on the scene, but not seen. And in doing so, is still wrapped up in the self-judgement and ego and desire to be ‘cool’ that this part of me thinks I am above. 

Then there’s another layer that desperately wants to belong to the tribe, so it’s easier to actually flit in and out of it – to be that welcome surprise who people are happy to see when they do.

See, I don’t want you to get bored with me.

I don’t want you to see all of me and decide I don’t belong to the tribe.

And I know that all of this is insane because I belong to a tribe called humanity that I will never be rejected from as long as I am breathing.

I think I also find commitment scary. I think I find deepening connections scary, even though it’s all I truly desire at the same time.

I can also detect a subconscious feeling of being “undeserving” of the good things in life, which is perpetuated when I keep telling the universe that I belong in the hidden, cheap-ass corners of the world.

A large piece of this is influenced by this raging hangover I choose to hang onto that comes from all those years in addiction, from needing to strategically hide; manipulating and controlling my outside world so as to “protect” those around me from seeing my darkness.

While I was at Highden, the first three weeks were a breeze. Getting to know people, letting them see my glittery bits — that’s my comfort zone, the superficial. After the third week, I started to struggle when I realized what was expected of me.

Nothing less than everything.

And, giving everything, finding love and acceptance on the other side.

What an unexpected blow to my fears of being rejected.

I can see that many things that I truly desire on a soul level, my personality is somewhat resistant to.  And as much compassion as I have for myself, also – fuck this shit. Seriously. Hiding is so old. And making choices about how I consume from a place of personality fears doesn’t feel fucking aligned with the person I want to be in this world.

So I’m outing myself, grateful for this awareness, and setting the intention on this last full moon of the decade to make more choices from a place of love, not fear. 

And, to come out of hiding.